Why It's My Choice

Funny thing is I didn't expect the intensity of the comments posted so far from my prior post. Naive? Perhaps.

Funnier yet, two of the three posters sent me to ICAN-Online, which is the website I referenced in that very post.

The point of concern with the commenters is that I am allowing my obstetrician to decide how I will deliver M2 (i.e., VBAC or C-Section). However, I don't consider myself an unknowing participant in this endeavor. I've read up on VBACs, spoken to people who have chosen in favor and against them, and I have developed all sorts of opinions that are completely independent of my doctor's. My first labor has a lot to do with where I am today, so I'll start there.

I had a doula, and every intention and expectation to follow through with a drug-free childbirth. I expressed my desire for as little medical interference as possible in my birth plan, though I was not interested in going the route of using a midwife.

My doctor began seriously suggesting that we induce at week 40, but my husband and I stalled until week 41. At that point, I was put on pitocin and she broke my water, only to discover there was meconium in the fluid (descriptions on Natural Childbirth.org and Kids Health.org). This was potentially due to my pregnancy having gone into week 41, although I suspect that's debatable. She did an amnioinfusion (diluted the amniotic fluid with saline to wash meconium out of the amniotic sac before the baby has a chance to inhale it at birth), which was to be one of many bags I was hooked up during my labor. Being hooked up to various bags prevents you from moving around, which in turn prevents you from dealing with your pain in a medicine-free way. I labored through the night with the help of my doula, but after 7 hours, I was exhausted and there was no position in which I didn't feel pain, even between contractions. I went for the epidural. After that, my doula stayed and helped us get through things, emotionally and physically. At one point, we were informed that during contractions, our son's heart rate was normal, but on the low side of normal. They took me off of the pitocin to see if that remedied the problem, but it didn't. What it did do was slow down the contractions. Between the slowing of the labor and the concern over my son's heart rate, the doctor "seriously" suggested a c-section. I don't know about you, but if someone says your baby's life is in danger and you should really have this done to help him, I'm not about to point to my birth plan and remind them of how much I really don't want a c-section.

So, he was born kicking and screaming, and hasn't stopped since. While a c-section was the one thing I truly didn't want, I genuinely couldn't put my preference above the well-being of my child. And I can't say that I truly blame the doctor, either. Being an obstetrician comes with it's set of troubles, which includes soaring malpractice-insurance premiums. It's an environment which impels a conservative approach (i.e., better safe than sorry).

I seriously considered going to a new doctor, but in the end, I guess you could say my reason to stay with the same doctor was the age old reason: better the devil you know than the devil you don't. When I was pregnant last time, I asked her all sorts of questions, including her c-section rate (~15%). And since I have no way of knowing how another doctor might have handled the same situation, how can I know things would have turned out different. What I do know is that my recovery went very well, and I haven't experienced any real pain or complications from the surgery. I've spoken to a few people who have not been so fortunate. I don't really like her bedside manner, but now that I know the nuances of her demeanor, I can take her "matter of fact" approach with a grain of salt. That, and I can mock her accent...it's hilarious.

Besides that, I know that a lot of doctors will not do a VBAC. She said she was open to the possibility, and quelled my concern of uterine rupture by saying the rate was well below 1%. But it's still a serious concern of mine. I know women who've experienced it, and it's not something I'd like to deal with first hand.

Maybe I'm just trying to make lemonade out of these lemons, but I can find merit to a VBAC and a c-section. My body has not really experienced labor, so there would be new and wonderfully painful things to recover from there. I have friends and family who seriously worry about a VBAC. I try to reason out why it's possibly safer than a c-section, but I can't help but think of the little things that can go wrong. Rare? Ya. Impossible? No.

Either method isn't making me jump up and down with excitement. But I'm not pregnant because I want to experience labor. I'm pregnant because my husband and I want to share our meager little home with a kid. We're doing that existential thing where we breed because we can and that's what we're biologically meant to do. Well, maybe that's an argument for another day, but my point is that I never cared about the empowerment or experience of labor, I just want to assure the safety of the baby and me. If I can still pick up and hug my toddler after the fact, that's just gravy.

Quick, Quick!!

A lot of stuff has come to a head because my doctor is concerned about the size of M2. MetaToddler was expected to be about 9 pounds when he was born at 41 weeks, but he was 7.11 pounds. So, ya...the docs were wrong. I've expressed my preference for a VBAC, and my doctor is willing to let it happen, but only if it happens by week 39. In other words, I have until this weekend to go into spontaneous labor. Otherwise, she's calling the game.

I have some friends and family horrified at the thought of a VBAC. But my reasoning is simple. A c-section is major surgery, something I'd prefer to avoid if at all possible. And perhaps more important, my recovery time would be significantly greater than with a regular birth, forcing me to deal with a serious recovery, a newborn, and a two-year-old. I'd prefer to be able to get back to my life sooner than later.

I suddenly feel so behind on my nesting. We have our car seat, assembled crib, laundered clothes , and various other readied things. I've made a few frozen meals to have on standby for those rough first few weeks. I don't have anywhere near as much as I did the last time, which is unfortunate. Oh well. We'll have a few easy meals on hand, and a few reliable favorite restaurants that deliver, so we should be fine on the food front. Sleep is another issue all together, but nothing you can do about that beast.

Le sigh.

I've had to accept that I won't be able to go to the farmers' market for a while. It's my weekly thing, and since I'm likely to have a c-section again, I'll have to forego seasonal treats for recovery. This is hard. Well, I'm finding a few things hard this time around. Before, I wasn't as involved in cooking, cleaning, and obviously, parenting. It was just MetaDaddy and me, so I cooked several meals that were frozen into two person portions, but no stress. I had gained much more weight, and couldn't clean, so MetaDaddy was doing all of the cleaning at home. And well, there was no one to parent.

This time, I've slowly had to accept that I couldn't keep cleaning to the level that I felt appropriate, so per MetaDaddy's insistence, we've had someone come over once a week to help out. We just have to maintain it, which isn't easy, but nowhere near as bad as cleaning it in the first place. And she's pretty meticulous, which I truly appreciate. Not as meticulous as I am, but hey, I'm a self-admitted PITA.

Also at MetaDaddy's insistence, we've also gotten a referral from a few friends for a nanny. Everyone loves this particular person, and our circle of friends have known her for years. MetaDaddy's concerns stemmed from knowing how hard the c-section was on me last time, and he's worried about how I'll manage at keeping MetaToddler happy while caring for M2. After all, it's me and the kid(s) alone all day. So any extra help will go a long way. I kept putting it off, and eventually, he won. We have a part time nanny. It's just so hard to give up caring for MetaToddler 100% that I can't easily let go. But I want to be fair to him and avoid his feeling neglected. He doesn't go to day care or preschool, so it's all me. And if I can't give 100%, well...boo! He's been getting used to the nanny over the past few weeks. She keeps up pretty well, so he's getting a lot of attention and excitement from her, which I'm having a hard time providing these days with my size and all.

So ya...if I don't go into labor over the next few days, it's c-section #2. I mean, it's not like in a perfect world I would go for a regular birth. In a perfect world, I'd aim for an "oh, it's a baby!" thing where it just magically appears after months of jabbing me in the ribs and bladder. Either way, another August birthday is about to hit the MetaHome.

We'll keep you posted on the deets.

Dry Cat Food

So, is this weird? I keep smelling dry cat food. I bought potatoes at the farmers' market, and they smelled like dry cat food. I was walking down the street with MetaToddler, and despite the lack of cats and their apparent food, I smelled dry cat food. And it happened a few other instances of dry cat food.

Is this normal?

Is some dry cat food company conducting tests on pregnant women?

Is this a sign of labor infrequently discussed?

Any theories would be appreciated :-)

Andy Rooney: Women over 40

I like Andy Rooney. He's grumpy, like me. That said, I'm grumpier these days.

It doesn't help when I see someone driving and talking on a cell phone, even though it's been banned in California as of July 1, 2008.

It also doesn't help that I'm officially running hot these days. I'm the kind of person who wears a sweater when it's 80 degrees out. I was born and raised in Los Angeles. I yam what I yam. The last time I was pregnant, I would drive to work at 7AM (~65 F), and find myself opening all of the car windows in a desperate attempt to cool off. I went from hating my desk under the vent, to asking if the air could be adjusted colder. Now, I find myself second-guessing if MetaToddler is hot or cold because I can't trust my comfort level any more. I also find myself using a lot more sunscreen because I'm exposing myself to the sun more than usual. And despite that, I still have a watch tan. Blagh.

But I digress. My point is Andy Rooney is fun because he's as grumpy as a pregnant woman in the middle of a Los Angeles summer. Need proof? Here's a great description of what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40.

It starts...

"A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think."

...and it goes on from there.

Pregnancy's a Tough Racket

It's funny the things you conveniently forget about being pregnant. Some good, some not so good.

Getting big - Carrying around a bit of extra weight in tedious. Carrying around 30+ extra pounds that has a life of its own is seriously annoying. It's not weight that sits there, but it kicks and pokes your stomach, ribs, and (worst of all) bladder. It also sits in one spot which throws off your center of gravity, causing a change in posture and walking. This, in turn, has an impact on your back, knees, calves, and feet. I remembered getting big, and I remembered getting back pain, but I didn't remember the painful pressure from being on my feet too long (relative these days), constant cramps in my calves, knees that occasionally lock, and so on. Oddly enough, the back pain thus far has been a fraction of what it was the first time. I've got two months to make up for that ;-)

Kicking - I love the kicking. It's so bizarre to feel the little "somethings" (arms? legs?) feeling their way across my tummy. It's not so fun when the other appendages kick other things, but eh...it's hard to have it both ways, isn't it? As I sit on the sofa (which it seems to dislike, just as MetaToddler did way back when), the kicking starts in a serious way. Every night, I insist on sharing with MetaDaddy, but as it's rather removed from him, it's more an "ooo, look at that" reaction. I can't blame him. I do wish MetaToddler was old enough to experience and remember it. I can't think of anything else that's quite like it. Though the feeling of the movements compressing on my organs sometimes reminds me of being on the free-fall segment of a roller coaster (or sky diving, if that's your thing).

Anemia - It's not uncommon for a pregnant woman to become anemic. Pregnant women's blood expands by about 50%. The extra iron is required for the additional blood, as well as for the baby and placenta. My first pregnancy, I found out at the 6 month mark that I was anemic. After taking iron supplements, my energy levels increased dramatically. I had a terrible 2nd trimester because I was exhausted the whole time. In fact, as a result, the 3rd trimester was by far my "honeymoon" period. This time I found out at the 4 month mark, which has made a big difference in my energy levels. Whew!

Hunger - I eat a lot these days. I've never been a huge eater, in terms of quantity. When I was pregnant the first time, I had to get to month 5 before I was able to start enjoying food, thanks to morning (all day) sickness. But when I did, there was no kidding around. I would eat my meal and start nibbling at MetaDaddy's, much to his shock. My appetite stayed pretty hearty through the first 6 months of breastfeeding. As nursing lessened, so did my need for food. It was kind of a relief. But my appetite is back with a vengeance now. I need a hearty lunch and dinner, as well as a serious afternoon snack. And if I don't have an after-dinner something (e.g., snack, dessert), I wake up starving in the middle of the night. I'm usually too tired to actually get out of bed, but I have seriously thought about it, which says a lot for me.

Tired - If I don't sleep for 8 hours, I can barely survive the day. In fact, I probably need closer to 9, and if MetaToddler keeps me seriously active, there's no question as to whether or not I will need a nap. It's all I can do to avoid caffeine some days.

Sleeping - If I'm not waking up in the middle of the night with some bladder dilemma, I'm waking up to reposition the belly that gravity has taken a liking to. But this I remember. This is my body's way of saying "get used to surviving on no sleep." Oh, so afraid of what August holds. In fact, I know what it probably doesn't hold...it doesn't hold much computer time :-o

Around the Internet

Belly Flirt - Sometimes, you just gotta be yourself. And sometimes, when that self is pregnant, things can get ugly.
But I digress. Since shirts have stopped covering the lower part of my belly...the part I don't get to see any more...it might be time to invest in more shirts :-)

Kiva Nighthorse Go-Anywhere Tote - '07 Closeout - It's always worth keeping your eyes open for a good diaper bag. They can run pretty expensive, but other types of bags can be just as, or more useful. Except for occasional expeditions where you need everything, smaller and lighter bags are much more useful. So my advice? Don't spend a fortune. This one looks interesting. It's not a diaper bag, but it's interesting and has lots of pockets (dimensions:16" x 12" x 5"). And it's pretty darn cheap ;-)

Crumb Pod Tablecloth Sweeper by Casabella - I recently bought this at Bed Bath & Beyond, courtesy of their ever-abundant coupons. So far, I'm impressed. It's done what I hoped in that I no longer feel compelled to buy a useless mini cordless vacuum, which inevitably works for two days then conks out. Mind you, it's suited to clean up a few crumbs, not to de-crumb the whole backseat. I'm just saying.

I Am An Adult - Wow. Apparently, I've been an adult for a good few years. Like, I hardly remember not being one. I love, love, love concerts, but all those rowdy hooligans...ugh!

Juno on Apple TV

Despite feeling very Juno these days, I haven't seen the movie yet.

I know, I know. Shocking.

The thing is, we got an Apple TV recently. It's a fun gadget, but it didn't come with a cable. So MetaDaddy hijacked the DVD player's cable, which now doesn't work as a result. And he's away for the next few days, so I can't watch DVDs. So much for Netflix. I can, however, rent a movie on iTunes. Excellent, Smithers.

And so, I did. It's $4, downloads in no time, and you have 30 days to start watching it. Once you start watching it, you have 24 hours to finish. You can pause, forward, rewind, etc. No extras, but honestly, I never watch the extras. Well, I seldom do.

Very convenient, easy, and spontaneous. Netflix is great, but there's nothing spontaneous about it. And given where I'm at these days, it's nice to feel spontaneous. Apple does need a bigger selection. It's minuscule. Perfect for us though because we haven't seen movies in years! Ah, the joys.

As for the movie, it was cute. Juno and I are nothing alike, and yet I found myself relating to her completely with regards to the "getting bigger" part. After all, we're about the same size...which means we're both planets (and cranky) once the 8-9 month thing comes around (clip). For the record, I'm almost 7 months.

Incidentally, the ultrasound technician in the movie is...well, I don't buy her 'tude. Every UT I've been to has been super sweet. I figure it's the nature of their job. All they see are women giddy to see their little blob with fingers, toes, and a paunchy little belly. And I've seen a lot, lot, lot of UTs. I've had 5 so far. I think I had about 7 or 8 with MetaToddler. My obstetrician is a bit of a control freak. More on that later ;-)

The soundtrack is pretty fun, too. I had to buy it when I sampled it because Boogie started dancing around. Any excuse to see him spin in circles to a beat. If only everything was this easy.

Le sigh.

Getting Big, Amusing the Masses

I'm getting big.

I've only gained about 10-12 pounds, but it's all in my belly area, so it's wreaking havoc on my posture. In turn, my back is suffering, as is my sleep. I'm pretty sure REM sleep is a thing of the past for me.

But ah...3 more months of quiet left. Treasure the peace...treasure the peace.

So my doctor asks if people are commenting on how big I'm getting? No, but thanks for letting me know how you feel. At my last appointment, she figured I was on track size-wise. I asked her how I compared to my last pregnancy, and she said "about the same." I gained 35 pounds last time. Oh, I so hope I don't get that big again. I feel huge now, and I look back at pictures when I was 8-9 months pregnant last time, and I wasn't huge...I was gi-normous!!

I'm going to be a circle.

And metatoddler just likes pointing and laughing at my ever-expanding middle. Glad mommy's amusing you, sweetie :-P

Another thing I've realized is that if I wear a t-shirt, I look big, but that's to be expected. However, if I wear a loose top, I look way, way bigger. It reminded me of a tip I heard on What Not to Wear. If you wear something tight, it hugs your curves. If you wear something really loose, it looks like a tent. So the next time I want sympathy, I'm totally wearing the tent. Until, of course, nothing fits me except the tent. I'm sure that day is not far off.

OK, ice cream time. TTFN.

Mom's Breakfast Influences Baby's Sex

To me, it seemed to take forever before I finally got pregnant with MetaToddler. In reality, it didn't take that long. Six months isn't that long. But when you're somehow led to believe by media and such that getting pregnant is too easy, hardly difficult, every month seems to put your reality into question. A story this week on NPR about the clash between biology and culture for women with regards to parenthood only reminded me of this. Apparently, fertility for women peaks at about age 22. Seriously?!?

After doing some (a lot) of reading, I started to understand how normal a delay in getting pregnant was. But just to be sure, I figured I'd start eating better breakfasts. That is, I figured I should gain a couple of pounds. Just a couple, though!! I've never found cereal to be a good breakfast because I tend to get hungry an hour after eating it. So I opted for eggs, yogurt, cottage cheese, toast, cream cheese, fruit, and so on. I couldn't tell you what I ate for sure, but I specifically remember making an effort to eat well in the morning. I wouldn't say it impacted my day in any significant way, but over the next couple of months I gained a couple of pounds and got pregnant. Coincidence? I certainly figured as much.

It's funny reading this recent article on how a mom's diet may influence baby's sex. I certainly would not have expected my diet to impact the sex of the baby. Then again, I take in all studies with a grain of salt.

I tried to think about my breakfasts around November, and I just can't remember. Much to the dismay of some friends and family, we're not going to find out the sex of the baby before it's born, so it's a wait and see game :-)

Around the Internet: Food

Advice changes for preventing baby allergies - The most recent advice from the American Academy of Pediatrics regarding food allergies. Turns out, its not all parents' fault.

"Breast-feeding helps prevent babies’ allergies, but there’s no good evidence for avoiding certain foods during pregnancy, using soy formula or delaying introduction of solid foods beyond six months."

Maple Bacon Lollipops via Daily Candy - They're made from organic, sustainable, cured bacon and organic Vermont maple syrup. The only catch in my book? It's a maple-bacon lollipop. Ewww!!

Does Grease Taste Nicer at Feng Shui McDonald's? - You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. I'm just saying.

Ben & Jerry's - They're fighting to label their products rBGH free (Recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone). I don't know about you, but I want to know where my food comes from, and how much chemical treatment it's received. If you like knowing that your that your dairy products are rBGH free, help voice your concern on the issue of allowing producers to label their products as such.

When Pre-Toddler Maternity Clothes Are Just Useless

I'm a mess today. And not for the usual reasons.

Last weekend, I gave in and accepted that I could no longer comfortably fit into most of my pants, so I made the switch. I took my maternity clothes out of the suitcase and put my "real" clothes in, not to be seen for a long, long time (*sniff, sniff*). It struck my how small my maternity wardrobe is, but it's just as well. I don't have that much room for vanity.

Conscious of the temporary wardrobe that is was, I spent relatively little on it. However, I made it a point to buy a few frilly things that might have cost a bit more because if you don't feel like you look good, you just don't feel good. It's like being on a diet...if you deny yourself the stuff you love all the time, you're just going to end up rebelling and binging when the opportunity arises. And doesn't it always?

Today, I wore a pair of khaki pants that I wore all the time until I outgrew them. It's amazing how you think you couldn't possibly outgrow something "that big," then one day, you literally can't fit them past your cankles. They're nice, comfortable, and they hardly look maternity...except for the wonderful stretchy panel :-) Perfect for the office, back when that was my gig.

Enter MetaToddler.

We go out, he in his always precious garb, I in my newly discovered khaki pants...and other stuff. We're not out for five minutes, and I look like a hobo. I picked him up to go down the stairs into the garage, and his little dust-collecting shoes left wee little footprints all over me. When I realize what's happened, I have dirt on what looks like half of my pants. Appropriately, I don't realize until we've been to several places.

I think the khaki pants might not be making it out of the closet this pregnancy. What's more, I might have to invest a few bitter dollars into a few pairs of forgiving jeans and corduroy. Fortunately, I still remember a few of my maternity clothes haunts. Specifically, Gap, which is where I found some crazy deals. I got most of my pants from there, and the average cost was $10-15 (purchased on clearance). Shipping on all maternity clothes is free, and you can return the duds to the store (i.e., no return shipping required). Currently, they're out of corduroy in my size (dang!!), but I'll be investigating a few other options.

Explaining Myself

So, yes. I'm the Queen of Quiet. Sultan of Subtle. Mistress of Mystery.

In short, I'm 13 weeks pregnant, and the proof is in the pudding...or scan, if you will. We wanted to wait until the end of the first trimester, so we're now sharing the news. It's been tough to keep under wraps, though. It becomes so ingrained in how your day goes, that it's hard to say "I'm so tired that I can't make dinner" without explaining why.

It's been a strange time. The first time around, my morning sickness was awful. Food, for the most part, was the enemy. The smell, nay the thought of it, was enough to send me running. Bananas, high on my good list, were suddenly banned from my diet. Same went for Grape Nuts cereal, avocado, beef, and I'm sure various other things I've since forgotten. I had to ask co-workers to move their coffee mugs farther away from me because the smell was making me sick. This was life until around the 5 month mark. I could eat, but it was all very precarious.

So far this time around, morning sickness is inconsistent, though definitely not as bad. I haven't really had to give up any foods, though some are much less appealing than others (and I don't usually know until shortly before the meal). Roast chicken might sound good in the morning, but not so much at 6PM. But, I've survived. Generally speaking, my "morning sickness" is worse at around 5PM, which means dinner that night will be leftovers or delivered. As a result of our increased take-out, I'm pleased to know that Santa Monica has banned non-recyclable food service container. One less pang of guilt included in with our Thai spring rolls. Mmm...spring rolls.

With the exception of my occasional bouts of exhaustion, things haven't changed much at the MetaHome. MetaDaddy helps a bit more in keeping the place clean, which is a constant battle with the Cheerio-monster roaming around. And I'm getting a few cheeky comments on my slowly expanding belly. He gets to giggle at the shirts I wear under sweaters...because they no longer cover my midriff. *le sigh*

On the bright side, he made me Nigella's gooey chocolate pudding. Priceless.

The Dangers of Cooking

This has been a frightening week in the kitchen. Here are a few of the highlights.

I bought some kale to try Alton Brown's lemon sesame glazed greens. Well, let's say that for a few reasons, I will never be trying it again. Per the recipe, I heated the pan, then put the oil in. The pan got too hot, the oil burned, smoke e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. Had to open every window, chilled the place through and through, and got the whole family coughing. And the kale was rubbery. I obviously don't have the knack. I've been banned from that recipe.

Today, I decided to make the olive oil cake from Sunday Suppers at Lucques. I started by segmenting the tangerines, which MetaDaddy noticed I did wrong. So, now MetaBaby will be snacking on tangerines for the next few days. I then figured I'd at least make the cake because at the end of the day, I know how to make a cake. Turns out, I don't...le sigh.

Here are a couple of things I learned today. Step 2 says you should mix the eggs and sugar in a stand mixer for 7 minutes, then transfer the finished product to another bowl. I figured "that's just one more bowl to clean," so I left it in the same mixing bowl. Here's why you should transfer the egg mix to another bowl. When you fold in the olive oil, it pools in the reservoir of the mixing bowl. Another thing, my favorite cake pan is one with a removable bottom. Why was this a bad idea? 20 minutes into baking, smoke was filling the kitchen, yet again. Olive oil pooled in the bottom of the oven and reached it's smoking point. We had to take the cake out, which was half done, wipe up the oil, and put the cake back in. When it was "finished," it was also charred on top. At this point, we decided to lop off the burnt part, and it was actually nice and golden. So I whisked up some cream and called it dessert. For the record, it was good. I'll try to make this again, when I've recovered.

The amusing thing was that after screwing up so many dishes, MetaDaddy (either out of pity, fear, or concern for the well-being of his first-born), helped finish dinner. On the bright side, the risotto was perfect!

I think tomorrow might be a light kitchen day. For everyone's sake.

Note:  I later found out I was pregnant.  And yes, hindsight is 20/20.