Friday, July 6, 2007

Annoying Food Terms

From the Delicious Life, Sarah's list of 20 food words that annoy her. I'm amused and/or offended by several of these, which I find oddly entertaining. She reminds me of a friend of mine...actually, several friends. Hmmm.

If I were to eliminate all of these from my vocabulary, food would just be a series of ingredients. Unctuous is such a useful word precisely because it has no meaning. In fact, even if I could define it for you, I wouldn't.

#8 is right on, though. Right on.

Top 20 or So Food Words and Phrases That Are Annoying for One Reason or Another

to die for – No food is worth dying for. Not even Flamin’ Hot Cheetos dipped in Blue Cheese dressing and hand-fed to me by a half-naked Tyler Florence.

food of the Gods – No such thing. God doesn’t eat. That skinny bitch.

incredible – People use the word incredible when they really mean to say “really really good,” but incredible means unbelievable. This is just a nit because it doesn't really say much about what's being eaten other than maybe you didn't eat it, maybe you did. We don't know what to believe.

like crack – What you mean to say is “highly addictive.” Is there something wrong with saying “highly addictive?” It has the same number of words. And what's wrong with heroin? I think heroin is a lot more addictive (for the record, I have never used heroin, crack, or otherwise).

toothy – This makes me think that whatever I’m eating has teeth. That’s gross. And scary. Like it might bite me back. According to the dictiosaurus, “toothy” means appetizing. There is nothing appetizing about a a slice of bread that might rip my tongue out. And by the way, toothy does mean it has teeth.

earthy – The only thing that tastes earthy is earth. Earth is another word for dirt. If it tastes like dirt, it probably is dirt, or still has dirt on it. That’s nasty. Truffles are often described as earthy. Guess what? They taste like dirt.

gourmet – Ever since French’s bloody slaughtered the word “gourmet,” and re-assembled it into GourMayo, something like the completely and utterly horrifying way a cute little farm animal’s unmentionable machine-separated parts are “re-assembled” into a hot dog, I hate this word. Besides, it has the word “gore” in it.

foodie – I don’t think I need to explain myself on this one. "Foodie" is snob for "someone who eats."

flavor profile – That’s foodie for “taste.”

melts in your mouth - Ice melts. Butter melts. This cliche is so overused it makes me nauseous.

bursting with flavor - Another one that's hackneyed.

smooth and velvety - Banal.

food coma – Trite. Oh god, I can't go on.

sublime – Sublime is a pchem thing. Something about solid turning directly into gas.

unctous – Does anyone know what this really means? Yeah, thought so.

___-alicious – Really? Do you really want to be like Fergie? Okay, well, yes. I do. The Dutchess is the only one who can use this. If I see another form of -alicious like yumalicious, smackalicious, fuckalicious...

to perfection – Whose perfection? Yours? Mine? This is stupid.

steaming hot – Redundant. If it’s steaming, it’s hot. If it’s hot, it’s probably giving off steam. Unless you’re in the Amazon, in which case, never mind and buy my something off my wishlist. Oh god, redundancy is so confusing.

tastes like crap – Unless you have eaten feces, you can’t say this.

EVOO – I will hit you. I will. I will domolecularlize myself and travel through the interwifi to come and slap that Yum-o Joker smile off your face. And if you ever say this out loud as “ee-voo,” as in rhymes with "review," and not as the acronym, I will puke.